Things you've never heard in the workplace...

I know nothing of the average office. Watercooler convos, gaining and losing clients, power suits, commision and bonuses are all foreign ideas to me. My office is a spacious 600 square feet, but I share my occupancy with 22 other bodies, all under the age of 9. I can safetly assume that my yearning for Friday is the same as yours, however the road traveled in getting there is filled with unexpected and downright ridicuous events that could only be that of an elementary school teacher.Here are some of the quotes I have heard from the past 2 weeks:

1) "Don't lick her hair!"

-coworker to boy who had just, well...licked someone's hair

2) "Excuse me fair lady, but have you seen Sir George Washington? Clearly I have time traveled to the future and he is nowhere to be found."

-one of my students to me during recess

3) "It just feels like there is charcoal in my butt"

- one of my students to me in response to the question "Are you feeling okay?"

4) "Dear A,

I hate your stinkin guts. I hope your marry the floor.

From, Z"

- one students to another on a note I caught them passing

5) "I had a bad day yesterday"-student

"Why is that?" -me

"Our car caught on fire when we were inside of it." -student (as nonchalantly as one could be)

Don't you wish your workplace was this entertaining?

NOT going Gaga for Gaga...

As you may or may not know, I work part-time at the RBC Center in the merchandise department. Basically it means that I sell overpriced t-shirts and other crap people don't really need in the Carolina Hurricanes team store.

90% of the time I work strictly hockey games, but part of my job requires I work with some outside vendors occasionally for concerts, comedy shows, and other forms of entertainment. Although these shows are long hours, typically going into the early hours of the next morning, I have certainly seen my share of cool events for free. Stevie Wonder, the ACC tournament, Kid Rock, Van Halen, and most recently Lady Gaga.

I knew she was weird. I knew she had about 40 costume changes. I knew she was the self proclaimed "Queen of the Gays (and trannies, and anything else included in that category). So yes, I was prepared for working a unique and different show.

What I was not prepared for was this:

1) Children at the show. Not teenagers, but KIDS. On a schoolnight mind you. Do you think those kids made it to school the next day? Not with a hungover mommy who is desperately trying to be her daughter's "best friend". That really should be the ultimate goal as a parent, huh?

2) T-shirts with the f-dash-dash word on them in child sizes ONLY

3) An ungodly amount of glitter

4) Women twice my age wearing stuff so short I'm pretty sure I could see the babymaker...

5) and this guy, but worse --->

Seriously!? A gay Jesus? But add blood all over his face and other than shoes, no clothing other than a thong. The guy didn't even watch the concert, he spent the whole show running around the concourse waiting for people to ogle him and snap his picture or pose with him. I'm sorry, but I believe that even in 2010 there is a line; and this guy crossed it. Hey, his afterlife destination is not my decision, but I'm betting he and Lucifer will become real tight.

I am forever scarred...

Me and my big mouth...

Remember my beautiful tree rantings LESS than 2 weeks ago?


Here sits said tree today.

Not a single bloom in sight and it seems a spider colony has taken over. Ugh...

Garfield ain't got nothing on this hairball

As a kid, did you ever play that game, "What's grosser than gross" where you tried to outdo one another on disgustingly vile situations and scenarios? If only I'd had this to show all my neighborhood buddies from back then:

No, it's not a decaying animal or a torture chamber; it's the amount of hair our Shark picked up in ONE room of our house! Granted, it was the room I typically "do" my hair, but still! We have resorted to using this as our main vacuum ever since I accidentally ran over the electrical cord with the vacuum itself on my new expensive Christmas present from last year(whoopsie). This little guy does a great job of picking up dirt (and obviously hair as well) but I have to stop every 3-4 minutes to empty to dust tray and literally yank the hundreds of hairs that are wrapped around the rotating brushes. Oh, and to throw up a bit because EWWW, what is wrong with me?!
I bring this up because I had a near mental breakdown last week over my hair loss. I am not balding, but am sure at this rate I will be at some point. I already have the thinnest, stick straight hair in America and am fairly certain I lose about 3X's as much hair as the average person (I researched this folks).

So of course in order to correct this issue, I look at symptoms.

1. Too much stress- I'm a teacher...so yes
2. Being on birth control for too long- is 8 years a long time? Fine, yes
3. Hormone imbalance- well i did have half of my thyroid gland removed, so yes
4. Blowdrying or overstyling- heck no, Matt is lucky if I do my hair for our date nights
5. Brushing hair while wet- guilty as charged

Of course I am freaking out when I realize almost all the signs relate to me. I have already resorted to washing my hair every other day, although it pains me to not wash it immediately after each trip to the gym. It sounds like nothing really happens when people go to dermatologists and endocrinologists, and other docs will just put you on anti-depression meds. Am I that much of a lost cause that rather than save my hair, they just try to keep you from getting depressed over your fleeing folicles?

In the mean time I will be brushing less, vacumming more, and trying to find ways to remove stress from areas of my life. Too bad the number one source pays our bills...

Proof that there is a God

There are many reasons I believe in the big man upstairs (yes, I realize it's 2010 but I still think he's a man). I often am affirmed of this belief through nature. Beautiful sunsets (like this one from Sunset Beach, NC), perfectly placed clouds, shooting stars, and more commonly: flowers. I mean, they are stunning, right!? In my perfect world, I'd have flowers in every room of the house...but someone else would tend to them.

You see, there's a few things I'm good at: teaching, bargain shopping, and killing plants (and fish, but that's another story). Whether they are fresh store-bought, delivered, or planted and grown in my own backyard; sooner than later my once beautiful plant dies.

As I mentioned in a previous post, Matt and I try to tag team the yard duty so our place doesn't turn into a s**thole and one day we can sell it. I walked out in the yard the other day and looked down in disbelief at our dead grass and brown spots throughout the yard. But then I looked up to see our tree and my spirits were lifted! That's right folks, Carrie planted a tree TWO years ago and it's still alive! Sure, we assumed it had been dead for the past 8 months, but that's beside the point. This thang is a trooper!

My relationship with the tree didn't start off so hot. I arrived home from work one day to see it sitting on our front porch. I read that it was a wedding gift and since we were leaving for our honeymoon the next day it had to be planted immediately. Fan-friggintastic! Instead of packing I'm going to be planting a tree, which I have never done before in my life. I thought it would take about 15 minutes. Well, I live in North Carolina and all we have under grass is clay; lots of it. It took 1 1/2 hours to dig, plant, and cover and by the end I was sweaty, exhausted and covered in clay.

A month later I was pretty sure the tree was a lost cause.

Matt- "Maybe you didn't dig a big enough..."

me- "SHUSH, it's friggin dead, whatever"

Thank you tree for restoring my faith:)

Dogs and Storms do not mix

Here sits the cutest dog to ever walk this earth, right? He's sweet, well behaved, and looks lovingly into his mommy's eyes when she sticks a cell phone in his face to snap a photo. He's perfect.

Well, until this summer that is...

Papi is not a fan of summer storms. The noise, the intensity, even the silent but vibrant heat lightning sent him into straight panic mode!

When I say panic, I'm talking:

• uncontrollable shaking and whining
• eyes darting around the room at the flashes and source of noise
• taking a deuce in the carpeted rooms downstairs b/c he's afraid to go outside
• the worst one: burrowing into me under the covers like he's trying to get under my body to make it all go away. Mind you, this is taking place between 11pm-4 am (often when I have to work the next day)

I've read Marley and Me and all so I know he isn't alone in this fear, and according to this picture doctors are trying new methods to chill these crazy pups out. I'm just looking forward to the sleepy fall and winter drizzles where Papi is passed out on the couch like old times.

How did I miss this?

I came across a little gem today through fellow tweeter @JennandTonica at What the Blog?

It's called "Crap at My Parents House" and I think the name says it all. Enjoy.

Gotta pen?

Do you ever feel like everytime you need a pen in a snap, the one you grab is a dud? So you put it back in the cup (instead of straight in the garbage since that would be logical) and sometimes repeat this process 3 times before finding a decent writing utensil.

No? Well, I'm happy for you but this was becoming a daily event for me and I decided to actually do something about it yesterday while cleaning...So, here we have all the pens I could find in our house. Desks, drawers, purses, etc produced this ridiculous amount of pens,pencils (all unsharpened of course), highlighters, and other random crap. Good gravy.

Don't get paid enough for this shizz

Friday, June 18th, 2010

Just a sampling of the end of the year paperwork I am working through this week.

Good thing about year round schools: 3

weeks off every 9 weeks.

Bad thing: Closing out one school year while simultaneously preparing for another.

The kids are CRAZY, ready to go on to 4th grade. My coworkers are swamped and miscommunication has become an expectation. Good lord I hate the last 10 days of school!

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

I have a fantastic view if I am working at my desk, where I can see everyone who enters and exits our school. When I saw this beauty, I frantically reached for my phone to snap this parent on her way to pick up her child from after school care today. Unfortunately, you cannot see the severity of this situation. Miss. Thang has NO shoes, cut off jean shorts, a baby doll shirt that her beer gut happily spilled out of, and was smoking the s**t out of her cigarette.

Of course, she left 10 minutes later with not one, but 3 children. Super.